Improving marital intimacy
It has become common refrain: Not enough time. Excuse for so many couples to talk to my office and workshops. Wives and husbands say they are so overwhelmed by the demands of work and children who simply can not create a space to share intimate moments with his partner. The result is often a growing sense of disengagement who said that communication problems, disagreements about finances, conflicts of parents or insufficient sex. But these are usually the symptoms rather than causes.
Improved sense of connection, feelings of trust and mutual respect are often increase. Once these foundations are in place, it is remarkable how easy it is to resolve disputes of any kind. In Wallerstein and Blakeslee's wonderful book, "The Good Marriage "(1995), they note" For the whole world [in his research group], happiness in marriage meant feeling respected and appreciated. "Will directly to the bottom of the matter (pun intended)!
In trying to help couples reverse this downward spiral, I start by reminding them that if the place constantly their marriage at the end of their "to-do list, assuming that there is always another day to meet the needs of their husbands, one day was surprised to discover there are more days. One of them said. "I love you more and I want out" This means that couples really need to make your marriage a priority, not just words or feelings, but in deed. In today's world of PDAs, Blackberries, and other forms of call times, this means actually scheduling time for marriage rather than wait for time shared by chance.
My second point is important for couples with children is the most important gift they can give their children a healthy marriage. When marriages are working well, families function better. Children not only will realize that his life work better because their parents are in phase, but research shows that they have fewer health problems, probably because there is less chronic stress at home. One advantage Additional models is that a good marriage for the children what they need to learn for the day they got married.
Since a healthy marriage is a significant gift for their children, parents should feel comfortable with the idea of taking some of the excess time currently devoted to parenting and investing in the marriage. ("The Excess time "is the impact of parents try too hard to create" perfect children "when children really need only" enough good "father, a matter described in several of my previous articles).
With these key points in mind, let's look at some of the strategies create a closer union and rewarding:
Try to follow this recipe: a) schedule of 15 to 20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation every day, b) provide at least a long conversation (1-1 ½ hours) per week. c) providing at least one night only to have every 60 days, d) providing at least two purposes week just for yourself each year.
It may take a little creativity. It also has a mutual commitment. But the payoff is huge. The daily / claims weekly discussions of joint planning time. Get out your calendars, check out next week and know when they can take time to be together. Do not just the party (usually the worst times for parents trying to speak without interruption, or worse, when you start to hang). Age children and demands employment, some couples are able to have breakfast only daily conversations or a lunch, a chance for a long conversation. Telephone conversations or e-mails can meet some needs of everyday conversation. Take a walk through the short night or a long weekend is good for your physical health and health your wedding. Place a treadmill and stationary bike side by side in the basement can also be a chance to talk while you are crucial training time (and reduce conflict over the cost of a person much time in the gym).
The talks should include the exchange of information on work and family commitments and other interests, or if you are able to feed the feeling of being best friends. Men need to talk about their work, a problem for some men who believe that the increase rather than decrease stress. Save discussions on the most important questions. But do not let it accumulate. Being emotionally honest in a routine is important. If a spouse says or does something that makes hurt your feelings, let them know. This does not mean to be heated in detail. This does not mean you have to enter into a discussion what "really happened." (There is no "truth" to find, just follow the subjective experience of the other person what happened instead of trying to fight).
Organize a night or a weekend in itself is an opportunity to rediscover the joy he once had when he was only two of you. While it may be a challenge for the organization of this if it does so without family around to take the children, the friends are willing to take turns watching each other so many other children the same opportunity to get out. If parents are not present (or sister) when you are visiting, you work for a time alone. Parents usually love the opportunity to spend time with their children without your around!
In addition to the couple deadline, there are two other critical daily rituals for couples that have to be honored and encouraged. Reintegration is one of the most important days. As the family goes to the U.S. at the end of the school work commitments, spouses should not expect to see each other at end of another busy day. The opportunity to embrace and leave some of the accumulated stress is very special, intimate event that is sorely lacking in those who are now divorced. Learn to enjoy this moment, even if you're lucky. It reaffirms that there are two of you together to meet the challenges of life. It is also a time for synchronization for the rest of the day. Review this business at night is that the obligations of each can be, what kind of help may be needed the other, and when it could be the time to come and when the dust settles.
The critical time is bed time. No, not the children, "couples!" Probably about half of all parents to go to bed at different times, contributing to a sleep mode at the end of the day, undermining the sense of intimacy and add to the feeling to be only in marriage. Never let parents do their children go to bed without some form of connection and security that all is well. We read to our children, sitting in their beds, lie next to them, kiss them, and talk of good things to wait until tomorrow. While the scope and form of change that our children grow, families retain close part of the ritual of the night, even with teenagers.
Why do not our beloved spouse deserve at least the same consideration? If a couple goes to bed before others, have a sign that he is in bed and the other should get a good night as intimate. Kiss, cuddle, and a short break to the left of the tensions with "Sorry. We will have a better day tomorrow." This is a reaffirmation of compassion and respect they have each other. It allows everyone to go to sleep with a feeling of being in general, although at different times.
When you go to bed at the same time, it is equally important to do something more to say good nights. The old adage that never go to bed angry is truly valuable. Moments of newspapers warmly snuggled together a lot of tension, and there again, reaffirms "coupleness. One of the common complaints I hear about snuggling at any time during the night, especially in bed is of women who say their husbands always interpret this as a sign to try to have sex. In general, the complaint comes from a couple whose sex life is satisfactory. The role of sex in marriage will be discussed in a forthcoming article. But for now just that couples should talk and can not condition a signal for sex.
Much of the connection has been discussed so far talking (And a little physical affection). For some, especially men, the connection is not always verbal. For this couple, the emphasis on male intimacy as the face of side by side and not-to-face, must be respected and nurtured. Again, this may require men to be creative and think of ways to communicate to his office. I think a husband can go to work before his wife woke up. He would make coffee for her, including the establishment of the court, and wrote a short note each morning that he leaned over the cup. The content is often something concrete about the events the next day, but always ended with "I love you." His wife was able to appreciate This special intimacy of a husband who was particularly verbally challenged.
The intimate side of the other should focus on activities to do together. I have already mentioned walking or exercising, but do something fun together really should be on top of the list. Often couples have forgotten how to have fun together. Life has become in all jobs and tasks and becomes too seriously. However, when couples reflect on what led them to marry top of the list is almost always a shared memory of fun together. Sometimes you think it used to and make it a priority to the recovery of the calendar. Other times, couples talk about how their interests have changed and have not much more common. This requires a little creativity, while committed to want to have fun again. The couple ultimately prove new activities, from kayaking to cooking classes and rediscovering that there are a variety of experiences out there to be enjoyed and shared.
One of the obstacles common is that parents of young children often feel they do not spend enough time together as a family and Saturday nights usually rent a video and share popcorn with the kids. Certainly there is value in this regard, it should not become the norm at the expense of marriage. Remember what I said about the most important gift that can give your children. Therefore, having a child and spend time in marriage is always doing something for the children.
Let me end this article with a quote from the other I urge couples to read the book, Judith Viorst's "greatest of Marriage" (2003). "But if we imagine that marriage is where we can leave Over time, day after day without fail to excite and delight in others, we were wrong. If we imagine that marriage is the place where we can bitch, burp, laugh and snipe all day without having to pay a price, we were wrong. We are participating in a fantasy of unearned, effortless love, love a child looking for a perfect mother. We are participating in a fantasy that has nothing to do with the adult love in a marriage.
About the Author
Dr. Heller is a clinical psychologist, now retired, who specialized in providing services to children, families, and couples since 1968. He has written over 150 columns about parenting and marriage which are available on his website, http://www.drheller.com. He is a frequent media resource.
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